An Ode to My Twenties

Content Warning - I will be talking about themes of parental loss, sexual assault, and mental health

I’ve looked forward to turning 30 for several years now. As a child, a crabby family member of mine constantly told me I was 13 going on 30, and I am ready to see what the hype is about. But before I do, a little reflection is in order.

In my twenties, I dropped out of college, dropped back into college, and graduated by the skin of my teeth many years later. I was raped in my home by a coworker. I lost my father to suicide. I grieved the 20th anniversary of my mother’s death. I walked some dark annals that were mired in anger, grief, depression, procrastination, and sadness.

I also worked many jobs in my twenties. From food service, nursing homes, mental crisis shelters, bar tending, to the odd writing gig. I got to see people at their worst and best. I got married. I changed my mind about not wanting kids, and got pregnant and birthed my little Love. I also hurt people, was hurt by people. I Laughed so much. Worked through my post-partum anxiety and OCD to embark on an life changing herbal apprenticeship that took me away from my child more than I was comfortable with. My twenties saw me start therapy and prioritize community and healing. They saw me embark on a journey of generational healing. My twenties showed me how trauma had shaped me and how I could slowly but surely rewrite the story of my life on my own terms.

I was mothered real hard in my twentie by aunts, friends, professors, and internet strangers. Their kindness helped heal part of my grieving heart. I also learned boundaries. I lost solid friendships, became estranged from racist family members and built a community so strong and full of unconditional love that it still shocks me each day . My twenties also saw me through a beloved career in advocacy. It saw me leave the “safety net” of traditional employment to become a stay at home caregiver to my child. It saw me flex my wings and pursue my childhood dream of writing, and authorship.

I’ve wiped many tears from my face in the past 10 years, some shed in mirth and glee, some in anger and frustration, and many in sadness and grief. Here are some lessons I learned along the way:

Kinfolk aint always kin : A long standing relationship with someone whether it be through blood or time, does not give them a pass in treating you poorly. Setting boundaries, holding people accountable for their actions, and doing the same for yourself can be painful, necessary and peace giving work.

Saying No- To things that don’t serve you is a courageous act that somehow feels great but can also scare the shit out of you.

Find Joy- Wring it from everything you can.

Grief- Is not linear

Healing- Is not linear either but it is your responsibility

You are magic - Made up of the infinitesimal and giant decisions of so many of your ancestors before you, their wisdom and folly to learn from.

Fitting in- the mold of a sick society is madness. Be the change you want to see in a world.

Hurt people - Hurt people. People’s actions are not your responsibility. You are responsible for your actions. Act accordingly.

Parents - Are human, even when they have failed you somehow. They too, are products of their childhoods and life experiences. My dad is my sunshine. I adore him and he adored me. But I can also see how the choices he made caused me immense trauma, I can also see why he did what he did, which is a blessing many kids don’t get with their parents.

Forgiveness- Is a balm. Soothe yourself with it.

Toxic masculinity kills- It kills men, women, children everyday. It kills self esteem, it kills community. I had no true idea how much my life had been steeped in toxic gender norms until a precious fresh-faced freshman Farai sat behind the desk in a intro to Women & Gender studies class and had her world view shattered unintentionally by a professor who simply shared the status quo of life for women and children around the world. I realized much of what I had been taught in life about being a woman was a lie and meant to shackle me to a life of misery and distrust of myself and everyone around me. Learning this changed my life.

Your body- Is a wonderful meat sack that holds your beautiful essence.

Love- Unconditionally and reject conditional love.

Changing your mind - Is ALLOWED and is not the end of the world.

Gratitude- Is life changing and life saving

Tradition- Is made up and can be changed and adapted.

Religion- Is made up too.

Nuance- Is a necessary life skill. Not everything is black and white.

Food- Is medicine

Earth- Is our home, take care of it

Plants- Are magic

AND lastly- We need each other.

Peace,

Farai.