Call of the Cicadas

My oldest is really into building forts right now. Every day our living room is turned into a different space. Couch cushions are overturned to build walls, then comes the keyboard bench, stroller and blankets and several books from the bookshelf to act as anchors as she builds worlds. Today in the car I could hear her talking to herself . Muttering names of cities and talking. I figured she was playing make believe with the many tiny creatures she’s created that she keeps in her Fanny pack inside of a tea tin she’s taken to carrying around .

I ask her about it when we arrive to our destination . She tells me that in fact no , she’s actually planning where she’s going to live once’s she’s older . She says she wants to live in a busy city because she likes to be busy. She wants an apartment . Stunned and a little astonished as always at how her little brain works, I ask her “well what about your garden”? She tells me in the matter of fact way only a 7 yo can - “mom , urban areas have community gardens, so I already have that taken care of” .

My heart twinges at the thought of my baby already imagining her life as grown up and moving away from me. The same girl who still cried out MAMA! when she was stung by a bee last week . The same baby whose name I cried out when she was born an eyeblink ago. Is this how my parents felt? I am still so shocked at the fact that I am a parent. Almost daily I am in awe of these babes. An amalgamation of our ancestry manifest into these glorious , hilarious, and sometimes annoying beings. She’s exploring her call and her desires and needs. I sit with my discomfort, my desire to hold her close to me as she unfurls away.

Then there’s her sibling . He’s 1 and still very much a baby which I revel in. A couple friends of mine who were pregnant around the same time as me also have tiny sons. We find ourselves sharing about how we hope to raise boys whose emotions we protect and don’t stunt. To nurtire a new generation of men in touch with their softer sides. Today another friend shared a story of her nephew already being treated differently than his sister of the same age and her witnessing how it was detrimentally affecting him. Her grief was palpable.

So here we are this evening after a dinner he enjoyed in Daddy’s lap. He’s all out of sorts and fussy . Ready for bed almost an hour earlier than schedule . I’m annoyed. I planned to leave them with Dad and go hang out alone in bed for a little bit. I want to look up hairstyle inspiration on Pinterest and begin my Autumn in the Home course and fuss around in my Notion that I’v enjoyed setting up. I sigh, and put on my bonnet and cuddle up to him in bed. He starts nursing and doing that thing that babies do where the pop off, play, come back and nurse till they are almost asleep , pop off, and continue on until they eventually give up.

I lay still looking at him. From the window in our room I hear the loud cry of the cicadas outside calling us outside. I stand up and smile at him. He reaches both his wee arms out to me and I freeze in time this moment. His bright eyes, his 2 toothed smile. I only have 17 more summers with him before he’s considered a man . I pick him up and he snuggles close. He gives the best hugs. I kiss the inside of his elbows always reminding myself how important intentional touch is to babies, and humans in general.

Once children age, we hug and hold them less and less, I make a point to remind myself to be conscious of that. and take carry him outside to the hammock. Amidst the loud cicadas and cacophony of sirens he gives in and falls asleep in my arms while we rock and these thoughts swirl around me. Time is so fleeting . Way too soon he won’t reach for me like this. I won’t be able to hold his body up to my face for a snuggle . I’m more of a morning answer the call of nature girl. Afternoons are for the mosquitos and I’m usually inside making dinner. I’m glad I answered the call of the cicadas . Reflection can be beautiful. Even if it’s painful.

He’s asleep now. I’m off to search “cute hairstyles for curly hair on Pinterest” . Have a good week.

Farai